One month.

I said goodbye to my parents, my family, my comforts, and everything that was normal to me one month ago. Standing there watching my parents drive away from training camp in Gainesville, Georgia, I couldn't believe this was going to be my life for the next nine months. Living apart from my family, sleeping in a tent, going overseas, and letting Jesus consume every part of me.

At the time, I thought I was going crazy. I thought I was giving up some of the best things I had ever had.

Now, sitting in an apartment in Thessaloniki, Greece, I realize how wrong I was.

I didn't give up everything for nothing. I didn't make a crazy, illogical decision. I chose obedience. I chose God's Kingdom over society's culture. I chose Jesus.

Now, that doesn't mean I haven't doubted what I'm doing or struggled. Believe me, I've struggled more over this last month than I have in a very long time. But it has been a good struggle. It has stretched me, grown me, and challenged me in ways I didn't even know were possible.

Last Monday, our ministry hosts brought us to a beach called Halkidiki. I got to start my morning praising and worshipping God, spending time in His Word, and just relishing in God's presence. For over two hours, I got to recharge with my Savior and Lord and feel truly whole again.

While I was there, I felt Him leading me to Isaiah 43:1–3, which is photographed in the banner picture. What really stood out to me was verse two, which says:

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.”

It hit me hard that God, my Father, was going to take my hand and walk side by side with me through every challenge and difficult moment.

When waves of loneliness, frustration, anxiety, doubt, or any other stressful emotion arise, the Lord is going to personally be there with me. I am not going to break, drown, or be consumed by these challenges because the Lord is my strength, refuge, safety, protection, and foundation. Jesus lives in me, and nothing will ever defeat His Spirit in my heart.

So, as I deal with homesickness, learn new cultures, step out of my comfort zone to talk to people, evangelize without much experience, take care of the treasury responsibilities for my team, or face any other frightening situation, I can know that none of these things will cause me to drown because my God is more than enough. He will sustain me. He will fulfill me no matter what.

And this has pointed me to the first half of Colossians 1:23:

“But you must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it. Don’t drift away from the assurance you received when you heard the Good News.”

Even though I can say that I know God as my Protector, Father, and Refuge, I still need to learn and grow in applying that truth to my own life. I'm learning to stand firmly on the promises God has placed throughout His Word to strengthen me and get me through hard times.

This process will be lifelong. After all, I'm still human. But I know that reminding myself every day of just one truth about God can give me the peace, confidence, and encouragement to persevere. It can change me to become more like Christ. And that is what I strive for. I also need to make a better habit of reminding myself of God's truths every day, every hour, and every minute.

On our drive home from the beach last week, something else I've written about before came back up: surrendering it all to the Lord and knowing that I am His vessel to work through, which makes me enough through Christ.

We were listening to worship music when the song Fishes and Loaves by Josiah Queen came on. The song is from the perspective of a little boy who is there listening to and watching Jesus right before He feeds 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish.

Two parts of the song really stood out to me.

The first was the chorus, which the little boy speaks as he is giving his meager portions to Jesus to do as He pleases. He says:

“Oh, I'm trying to let go

My heart isn't easy, but I give you control

I know it's not much, but I know what I owe

So I'll give you all my fishes and loaves.”

I can deeply relate to those words. I have felt my heart being torn between two places so often. One side is telling me to give all my burdens to the Lord because He cares for me, while the other wants to take all control and figure things out on my own.

My heart is uneasy, yet I'm still trying to obediently hand everything over to Jesus because He is greater and is sovereign over it all. I am trying to obediently live my life for Him, even though His sacrifice on the cross is something I can never repay Him for. I alone can never repay that debt or be enough for Him.

Still, I'm willing to give the little I have, my comforts, my family, my heart, and my life, to do whatever He calls me to. I know I am inadequate and what I offer Him isn't nearly enough. Yet He can take my offering, my own “fishes and loaves,” and turn it into so much more through His wondrous power, grace, and goodness. I may not have enough to ever repay Him, but I have a heart willing to surrender what I do have, even though it's not much and even though it's hard.

Later in the song, Jesus responds to the little boy by saying:

“When He said, ‘Oh my child let go

I know You're uneasy, but I'm in control

I don't need that much for Me to show

I'll make the most of your fishes and loaves.’”

What confidence and reassurance I find in Jesus personally turning to me and saying this! He knows how unsteady my heart is.

He knows how difficult this past month has been. Yet He is in control and will bring me peace that overrules all. He is going to use me for His Kingdom and impact people when I mess up, make a mistake, and even when I do my absolute best. He is the One who is going to make a difference in people's lives on this trip, not me. I am simply the person He is going to speak through and act through by His Holy Spirit.

How beautiful and comforting is that? I don't have to do it all because the Lord is going to work through my obedient and willing heart.

I know this may seem like I have repeated myself some from previous blogs, but this is a very important lesson that God has continued to bring up in my life. I struggle to give up all my control, surrender to Him, and just live every day being willing and obedient to do what His voice and Holy Spirit are telling me.

It goes against my fleshly and sinful nature, and I'm trying to make it a habit to step out and trust the Lord in everything. It doesn't always look pretty, and it definitely hurts, but it is so very good for my character and His glory! That's what this whole trip is about: doing something to make God's Name greater and make my name less and less. As John 3:30 says, “He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less.” And that is what I want. I want to become less so that He can become greater.

Again, I want to thank each person who has followed me thus far on my journey! I especially thank you for every prayer. It really does impact me and continue to support and encourage me!

I also want to specifically thank all my family members and friends who have chatted with me over the phone and who continue to send me encouraging text messages and updates. Each text and phone call brightens my day, fills my cup, and helps me remember who has my back at home. I can't thank you enough for sticking with me through all of this, even though you probably miss me very much and didn't exactly sign up for nine months of this voluntarily.

So thank you. Thank you all so, so much!

Here are some prayer requests if you want to continue to encourage and support me:

• Pray that I would grow exponentially in learning to surrender and be God's vessel for His Spirit and His work.

• Pray that I would continue to listen to His voice and His Word and have a heart that is obedient and willing for Him.

• Pray that our ministry hosts would continue to impact the Thessaloniki community even after we leave and that they would be able to expand their ministry.

• Pray that there would be a revival of faith in Greece and beyond.

• Pray that our evangelism and conversations with locals would touch their hearts and start their journey toward salvation and life with Christ.

• Pray that I would continue to find unexplainable peace in Christ and wouldn't be overwhelmed by our busy days and responsibilities.

One month ago, I was standing at training camp watching my parents drive away and wondering if I had made the craziest decision of my life.

Now, I'm sitting here in Greece realizing that maybe I didn't give up nearly as much as I thought I did. I gave God my comforts. I gave Him my plans. I gave Him my family. I gave Him my future. And I'm still learning how to give Him control of my heart. It's not always easy. My heart isn't always steady. I don't always know what I'm doing. But I'm learning that God doesn't need me to have everything figured out. He doesn't need me to be perfect. He doesn't even need me to have much. He just wants me to be willing. He can take my little fishes and loaves and use them for something far greater than I ever could.

And that's what I'm learning one month into this journey.

I don't know exactly what the next eight months are going to look like. I don't know what challenges are coming, what people I'm going to meet, or what God is going to ask me to surrender next. But I do know Who is in control. And I know that whatever I have to give, no matter how small it feels, is enough when I put it in His hands.